November 23, 1985 Article
I’m like an earthquake says Ollie
I’ve always had a reputation as a bit of a hellraiser. But I can’t complain. I’m a pretty wild bloke. In my time I’ve smashed up every bar and been thrown out of every posh hotel in the world at least three times.
I was thrown out of The Savoy in London once because I kept jumping out of my twelfth floor window and landing on my head in the car park. I was trying to smash a friend’s car but in the event I came back with a bulldozer and flattened the hotel.
I happen to enjoy drinking. I drank vodka standing on my head until I was about fourteen. Nowadays I prefer 75 pints of beer, down the hatch in one. .And that’s nothing. I often drink twice that much without needing the toilet.
If I go out for a meal it’s as if an earthquake has hit town. I usually smash the table with my girlfriend or use the chairs as a knife and fork. In one restaurant I ordered twelve colour televisions, chewed them up and spat them in the waiter’s face.
My crazy diet of electrical appliances and broken glass often leads to stomach trouble. I often have to pump it myself — with a gallon of liquid Gumption and an industrial vacuum cleaner.
I’m pretty well known for my crazy and dangerous pranks. A friend once bet me £500 that I wouldn’t eat a live goldfish. I took him along to the zoo and ate 14 dolphins before I was sick. Afterwards I ate another six.
On another occasion I drank ten pints of nitroglycerine and then locked myself in a friend’s washing machine. When he switched it on I blew up, destroying his entire house.
I’m also well known for going through doors without opening them. I had a 36 room mansion built for me in Hollywood without a single door in it. I prefer to make them myself by barging through the walls head first.
I always pay for any damage I cause — unless I don’t particularly feel like it. Being a hellraiser can turn out to be a pretty expensive business.
I normally get through at least a dozen shirts a week because my body expands to twice its normal size whenever I get angry. A bit like the Incredible Hulk actually. Many friends have taken to calling me ‘the Werewolf’ because I can change so dramatically. Come to think of it my face does get quite hairy sometimes.
As a matter of fact there have been a few sheep found torn limb from limb in the fields near where I live. And I do get the odd bloodstain on my clothing when I wake up in the mornings.
Next week Ollie describes his X-ray vision and reveals that only kryptonite rays can kill him.