Death of the Milkman

November 22, 2005     Article

Death of the Milkman

Under threat: Britain's traditional morning routine of slap ‘n’ tickle

Under threat: Britain’s
traditional morning routine
of slap ‘n’ tickle

Britain’s traditional randy milkman is set to become a thing of the past as demand for one of his doorstep services has slumped to an all time low. According to figures released this week, the number of scantily clad housewives demanding early morning sexual intercourse with their delivery of milk has declined tenfold in the last thirty years.

Sid Hill, a spokesman for Carrion Dairies, one of Britain’s biggest providers of early morning extra-marital romps told us: “Back in the halcyon days of the seventies, you couldn’t walk down a street without seeing a negligee-clad bit of crumpet waving goodbye to a milkman as he staggered down the path covered in lipstick and with his collar rumpled and his hat askew. A typical milkman in these days would deliver a bit of slap and tickle to one housewife in three. These days he’d be lucky to get his leg over one or two suburban nymphos a week.”

 The decline of the milkman’s morning crumpet round has been linked to a reduction in the amount of sexual frustration felt by voluptuous, overbearing women. Hill continued: “A generation ago the average married man was a henpecked weakling with a little moustache and a cardigan. Sexually, he was unable to satisfy the needs and desires of his highly-sexed wife. Nowadays, thanks to gyms and viagra, he’s far more likely to be able to keep her happy in the bedroom, which is bad news for our milkmen.”

 In fact, says Hill, the situation is so serious that Carrion Dairies has actually considered giving up providing door to door how’s-your-father to its customers.

 “It’s a shame to see this traditional service go, but if the present trends continue, I can foresee the day when our employees are reduced to delivering just milk, cream and yoghurts.”

 Mrs Francis Batter, president of the Federation of Women’s Institutes mourned the decline of the service but declared it was simply a sign of the times. “I remember the days when only the milkman and the window cleaner called while our hubbies were at the office,” she told us. “These days, there are so many daytime callers that my members can’t be expected to have hanky panky with all of them,” she continued, before slipping into a fur-trimmed see-through nightie and asking if we’d mind coming upstairs to change a lightbulb in her bedroom.

More Cream Please!

We’re Backing Britain’s Bonking Milkos

We believe that priapic milkmen are just one more thing that makes Britain Great, and we don’t want to see them go. That’s why we are asking the nation’s housewives to show a bit of bottle and back our campaign to save our bonking milkmen.

To join our campaign, simply cut out the bottle collar and order up your favourite sexual services. Then pop it round the neck of one of your empties after your hubby has gone to work.

Milk reminder.

Simply cut this out of your monitor and hong it over your empties.

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