MAKE you own Pot Noodles using a flower pot, sawdust and some old shoelaces. Pour in boiling water, stir, then allow to stand for two minutes before taking one mouthful and throwing it away. Just like the real thing! – R. Tables, Jedburgh
WHEN arranging kitchen furniture avoid placing tables or cupboards directly in front of a fridge or oven as they may prevent the fridge or oven doors from opening properly. – T. Barlow, Chester
STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. – P. J. Ruddock, London
WHENEVER you introduce a new system for ordering milk, make sure you explain it to the milkman beforehand. – Austin Cambridge, Southwick
CAR tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants. – E. F. Gee, Aitchaye
CAR commuters. Experience the thrills and spills of running to catch a bus by dashing from your car into the house after work only to see your wife slowly carrying the TV set away into the next room. – C. Paper, Tunbury
IF your brakes fail whilst driving at speed, release your bonnet catch. The raised bonnet will provide vital wind resistance and help slow down the vehicle. – V. Ground, Hartlepool
WHEN parking in car parks always carry a spare battery in the boot of your car in case the other one has gone flat by the time you eventually find your car. – M. Ross, Peckham
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. – R. Crabb, Nantwich
HOUSEWIVES. Feel like a Hollywood celebrity by fitting red carpets in every room in your house. A trip to the toilet will feel like attending a film premiere. – T Jenkins, Grange Hill
BALDIES. Don’t waste money on a rug. Simply snip off a tuft of pubic hair and glue it to the palm of your hand. Then every time you stroke your shiny head it will feel hairy. – S. Sheppard, Ipswich
MANCHESTER United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical muscular bulge on your right arm by masturbating alternately with your left hand. – Gregory Clarke, London NW4
HOUSEWIVES. Wean your husbands onto raw eggs without them realising by removing the sand from your egg timer one grain at a time. – Tim, Brighton

Category: Article


KILLER WASP SEX VICAR IN GAY NAZI STORM No Girls ‘Danced Naked’ in Moonlit Devil Ritual – claim By our INVESTIGATIVE STAFF A village vicar has denied...


SNOOKER’S HOT SHOT SAUCY SEX POT – EXCLUSIVE ‘I’M A SEXY HOT POT’ Tony’s a real tasty dish Supercue TONY KNOWLES, snooker’s number one sex symbol tells his...

Duran Duran – Band look super!

Band look super! EXCLUSIVE After two spectacular years of success Duran Duran look set to establish themselves as the best looking band in the history of pop. For as...


ZOO OF SHAME EXCLUSIVE Animals made love as children watched Our reporters have investigated a disturbing behind the scenes sex scandal at a leading London zoo. And we...

The Beatles

Beatles Had Sex Every Ten Minutes

Beatles Had Sex Every Ten Minutes The true story at last Johnny Johnson was the ‘ Sixth Beatle’ . Sacked by the band while on the verge of success, he is now...


THE SHAKIN STEVENS STORY A VIZ TOP POP EXCLUSIVE Pop idol Shakin Stevens tells the tale of his rise to fame in an exclusive interview with Viz Comic. ‘Shaky’ Shakin...


WOMBAT WINS! BUT BOTHER SOON BEGINS Dustman Terry Wombat, 46, thought he was a winner when his pretty wife told him he had won the pools. Terry, 46, wasted no time in...


BOY IN HUMAN TORCH HORROR By Sid Sensation A gruesome game ended in disaster for 5 year old human torch terror victim Tommy Thompson. MATCHES Tiny tot Tommy was playing...

Life as a T.V. Tough Guy by LEWIS COLLINS

‘I KILLED A LION & WAS SHOT BY A TANK’ Life as a T.V. Tough Guy By LEWIS COLLINS In an interview with JAKE JOWLER On telly I always play the tough guy – perhaps...