MAKE you own Pot Noodles using a flower pot, sawdust and some old shoelaces. Pour in boiling water, stir, then allow to stand for two minutes before taking one mouthful and throwing it away. Just like the real thing! – R. Tables, Jedburgh
WHEN arranging kitchen furniture avoid placing tables or cupboards directly in front of a fridge or oven as they may prevent the fridge or oven doors from opening properly. – T. Barlow, Chester
STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. – P. J. Ruddock, London
WHENEVER you introduce a new system for ordering milk, make sure you explain it to the milkman beforehand. – Austin Cambridge, Southwick
CAR tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants. – E. F. Gee, Aitchaye
CAR commuters. Experience the thrills and spills of running to catch a bus by dashing from your car into the house after work only to see your wife slowly carrying the TV set away into the next room. – C. Paper, Tunbury
IF your brakes fail whilst driving at speed, release your bonnet catch. The raised bonnet will provide vital wind resistance and help slow down the vehicle. – V. Ground, Hartlepool
WHEN parking in car parks always carry a spare battery in the boot of your car in case the other one has gone flat by the time you eventually find your car. – M. Ross, Peckham
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. – R. Crabb, Nantwich
HOUSEWIVES. Feel like a Hollywood celebrity by fitting red carpets in every room in your house. A trip to the toilet will feel like attending a film premiere. – T Jenkins, Grange Hill
BALDIES. Don’t waste money on a rug. Simply snip off a tuft of pubic hair and glue it to the palm of your hand. Then every time you stroke your shiny head it will feel hairy. – S. Sheppard, Ipswich
MANCHESTER United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical muscular bulge on your right arm by masturbating alternately with your left hand. – Gregory Clarke, London NW4
HOUSEWIVES. Wean your husbands onto raw eggs without them realising by removing the sand from your egg timer one grain at a time. – Tim, Brighton

FAT PEOPLE ‘EAT TOO MUCH’

FAT PEOPLE ‘EAT TOO MUCH’

– Cream Buns named in Shock Food Report

Woman with bag.

A woman leaving a shop. In her bag are various food purchases.

Eat too much and you could get fat, according to a report published this week. Specific foods singled out for attention include cream buns, chocolate cake and jam doughnuts.

According to a survey carried out for no particular reason, many people in Britain are already overweight. And the report goes on to claim that people who are fat:

  • take up more room than other people
  • wear bigger clothes
  • and are more likely to damage furniture.

CHOCOLATES

We took these startling claims onto the streets to gauge the public’s reaction. Mrs Hilary Foster, 46, agreed that cream buns were fattening, while her friend, 40 year old Margaret Harrison claimed that she had occasionally eaten chocolates but suffered no ill effects.

SWISS ROLL

Shopkeeper Paul Willis, 27, admitted that several fat people had visited his shop in the past and had purchased food items among other things. The manager of a nearby restaurant refused to comment on claims that fat people were among his best customers.

TRIFLE

A woman we later watched enter the restaurant was visibly overweight, but refused to tell us what she was eating or how heavy she was. Her husband then became abusive and we were asked to leave the premises.

A spokesman for the British Medical Authority told us he had not seen the report, and did not wish to make any comment.