MAKE you own Pot Noodles using a flower pot, sawdust and some old shoelaces. Pour in boiling water, stir, then allow to stand for two minutes before taking one mouthful and throwing it away. Just like the real thing! – R. Tables, Jedburgh
WHEN arranging kitchen furniture avoid placing tables or cupboards directly in front of a fridge or oven as they may prevent the fridge or oven doors from opening properly. – T. Barlow, Chester
STOP bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. – P. J. Ruddock, London
WHENEVER you introduce a new system for ordering milk, make sure you explain it to the milkman beforehand. – Austin Cambridge, Southwick
CAR tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants. – E. F. Gee, Aitchaye
CAR commuters. Experience the thrills and spills of running to catch a bus by dashing from your car into the house after work only to see your wife slowly carrying the TV set away into the next room. – C. Paper, Tunbury
IF your brakes fail whilst driving at speed, release your bonnet catch. The raised bonnet will provide vital wind resistance and help slow down the vehicle. – V. Ground, Hartlepool
WHEN parking in car parks always carry a spare battery in the boot of your car in case the other one has gone flat by the time you eventually find your car. – M. Ross, Peckham
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. – R. Crabb, Nantwich
HOUSEWIVES. Feel like a Hollywood celebrity by fitting red carpets in every room in your house. A trip to the toilet will feel like attending a film premiere. – T Jenkins, Grange Hill
BALDIES. Don’t waste money on a rug. Simply snip off a tuft of pubic hair and glue it to the palm of your hand. Then every time you stroke your shiny head it will feel hairy. – S. Sheppard, Ipswich
MANCHESTER United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical muscular bulge on your right arm by masturbating alternately with your left hand. – Gregory Clarke, London NW4
HOUSEWIVES. Wean your husbands onto raw eggs without them realising by removing the sand from your egg timer one grain at a time. – Tim, Brighton

Fooled You! Corn Circle Mystery is Solved at Last

Corn Circle Mystery is solved at Last

FOOLED YOU!

‘It was me all along says shepherd Bob’

Red faced scientists may well have to re-write their text books in the light of revelations being made by a former North Yorkshire shepherd.

Crop circle
For Bob Johnson, who retired last year at the age of 70, claims the mysterious phenomenon known as ‘Corn Circles’ which have baffled the scientific world for months, were all his own handywork. And not only that, he also claims that many other unexplained phenomenon, including UFO’s, the Loch Ness Monster and Stonehenge are also down to him.

HOAXES

After years of practical joking, during which Bob has baffled the world’s leading scientists with his incredible hoaxes, he has finally decided to own up, and plans to reveal all in a book soon to be published.

THEORIES

His most recent ‘mystery’, the corn circles, baffled farmers and scientists after the strange, symmetrical patterns appeared in fields the length and breadth of Britain. Various theories were put forward, among them freak weather conditions, UFO landings and rabbits.

But according to Bob, the cause was nothing more sinister than a lawn mower, a pole, and a piece of string. “I got the idea from that cigar advert where Russ Abbot cuts the lawn in his back garden. I just tied my lawn mower to a stick and then sat back, and hey presto”.

PUZZLED

Bob claims that the first circles were a practical joke at the expense of local farmers. But when the press began to take an interest, he couldn’t resist the temptation of carrying on the hoax. One thing which left puzzled scientists scratching their heads was the vast distances between many of the circles. Overnight one might appear in Scotland, while almost simultaneously another would crop up in the Home Counties. Bob offers the breathtakingly simple explanation.

PEDAL

“I used my bicycle”, he told us. “I would ride up and down mostly at nights, so noone could see me. And of course a pedal cycle is very quiet, so I didn’t wake anyone up either”.

Although Bob was proud of some of his cornfield creations, he believes his best hoax to date was Stonehenge. “Yes, I did that as well”, he told us. “Mind you, it was a lot harder than the corn circles. At times I wondered whether it would be worth the bother”. Working singlehanded, it took Bob two days to erect the massive stone pillars which stand in a perfect circle on Salisbury Plain.

CHAIN

“The hardest bit was getting the big ones on the top”, he added. “I nearly put my back out doing that”. And Bob has finally ended speculation as to how the massive stones were transported to Stonehenge. The answer, according to Bob, was so simple the experts failed to see it. “I got them all there on a sack barrow”, he told us.

MUD GUARDS

Bob is always amused when he sees hippies flocking to the stone circle in the mistaken belief that it has great religious significance. “All that nonsense about the summer solstice, and the positioning of the sun makes me laugh. I was just trying to make it into the shape of a smiling face, like those smiley badges, but I ran out of stones”.

ENERGY

A lot has been written about the existence of mysterious ‘Lay Lines’ emanating from Stonehenge, and covering the whole of Britain. The points where these lines cross are said to emit strange and unexplained forces or energy. But Bob has bad news for the theorists. “I made the lay lines as well”, he told us. “I just used old lengths of clothes line, hanging from trees”.

CHALK

Stonehenge is not the only tourist attraction for which Bob admits responsibility. But two of his other works of art are best viewed from above. “I was looking after my sheep one day when I got bored, so I decided to draw a big horse on the hillside. I only had a few boxes of white chalk on me, so I used that. I thought it would wash off overnight, but years later it’s still there”.