March 22, 1993 Article
According to EEC officials stools, or turds as they are sometimes known, must all fall in line with tough new European standards of consistency and size.
And that means no more sloppy ones or giant logs. From now on British backsides will be expected to produce regulation Eurostools. And according to EEC health chiefs, new poos must be:
Last night Britain’s toilet goers were up in arms about the proposed changes.
“This is the last straw”, said taxi driver Eddie Johnson, a regular visitor to public toilets in Fulchester city centre. “They’ve got no business meddling in our dumps”, he fumed.
Other countries are also up in arms about the new rules. The French, who drink a lot of thick, black coffee and wine, and who eat onions, traditionally produce a dark coloured (Dulux ‘Conker’), loose stool (and aren’t fussy about where they drop it).
The Germans, who purely by coincidence started both world wars, will also struggle to adapt their droppings. Their stools reflect their breakfasts, resembling raw sausages – very firm and light in colour.
The Italians could also be in trouble, their stringy, tomato smelling, spagettilike excrement falling well short of the new requirements.
Fulchester Surtnyoak MP Sir Anthony Regents-Park told reporters at a hastily arranged press conference that he would be opposing the new measures. “I will be passing a motion in the House of Commons”, he quipped before shitting in a bucket for the benefit of photographers.
Pop singer Cliff Richard was last night unavailable for comment.
If you’re worried about the appearance of your stools, here’s how you can change them. We asked a leading authority on toilet matters, Dr Branston Pickle of Huddersfield University’s Department of Lavatory Studies to compile a simple guide to improving your foulage.
Here’s what to do if your stools suffer from any of the following common symptoms.