NOW IT’S THE EURO STOOL

Eurocrats demand Eurocraps under E.C/s faeces regulations

Eurocrat beaurocrats in Brussels are planning a new assault on the British way of life. And this time they want to get their hands on our Number Twos.

According to EEC officials stools, or turds as they are sometimes known, must all fall in line with tough new European standards of consistency and size.

LOGS

And that means no more sloppy ones or giant logs. From now on British backsides will be expected to produce regulation Eurostools. And according to EEC health chiefs, new poos must be:

• FIRM but not hard.
• REGULAR in consistency and movement.
• MID-BROWN – they must conform to British Standard colour BS06D45.
• and be about the size of a Mars bar, but pointed at either end.

PIE

Last night Britain’s toilet goers were up in arms about the proposed changes.

“This is the last straw”, said taxi driver Eddie Johnson, a regular visitor to public toilets in Fulchester city centre. “They’ve got no business meddling in our dumps”, he fumed.

TABLE

Traffic warden Peter Parkinson agreed. “It’s like something Hitler would have dreamt up”, said Peter, who moves his bowel two or three times a day.

Other countries are also up in arms about the new rules. The French, who drink a lot of thick, black coffee and wine, and who eat onions, traditionally produce a dark coloured (Dulux ‘Conker’), loose stool (and aren’t fussy about where they drop it).

CHAIR

The Germans, who purely by coincidence started both world wars, will also struggle to adapt their droppings. Their stools reflect their breakfasts, resembling raw sausages – very firm and light in colour.

BUREAU

The Italians could also be in trouble, their stringy, tomato smelling, spagettilike excrement falling well short of the new requirements.

DEXYS

Fulchester Surtnyoak MP Sir Anthony Regents-Park told reporters at a hastily arranged press conference that he would be opposing the new measures. “I will be passing a motion in the House of Commons”, he quipped before shitting in a bucket for the benefit of photographers.

Pop singer Cliff Richard was last night unavailable for comment.

IMPROVING YOUR POOS WILL BEAT BOTTY BLUES

If you’re worried about the appearance of your stools, here’s how you can change them. We asked a leading authority on toilet matters, Dr Branston Pickle of Huddersfield University’s Department of Lavatory Studies to compile a simple guide to improving your foulage.

Here’s what to do if your stools suffer from any of the following common symptoms.

• TOO BIG
  Eat an orange before every meal, avoid porridge, and try holding a tennis ball between your buttocks for a few hours every day.
• TOO SLOPPY
  Try eating Weetabix without milk on it, drink less and eat more peanut butter and treacle.
• CONSTIPATION
  Eat prunes, drink sunflower oil instead of milk in your tea, and try passing stools in unusual and exciting places, like your neighbours garden.
• TOO DARK IN COLOUR
  Try eating white bread instead of brown, and white sugar. Also try to avoid pepper – use salt instead.
• TOO LIGHT IN COLOUR
  Use soya sauce instead of milk in your tea.
• RABBIT TODS
  Aglomerate random or ‘buckshot’ faeces into a uniform and cohesive block by adding a regular Curly Wurly bar to your diet instead of lunch.