November 22, 2001 Article
SOME THREE-YEAR-OLD bozz-eyed freak yesterday became the youngest kid in Britain to pass an A-level in maths. What’s more, little Dylan Plywood, a friendless misfit from Greater Manchester stunned academics by achieving TOP GRADES in all three papers.
His sinister father, Max, a college lecturer taught his son at home after Dylan was picked on at school by normal children for being a complete scoper.
A delighted and proud Mr. Plywood came out with all the usual rubbish.
“He’s just like any other lad,” he lied unconvincingly. “He watches cartoons on the telly, reads comics and crouches in the corner of his bedroom, rocking to and fro for hours on end. And he loves playing football with the other kids in the street.”
Our photographer threw him a football but instead of kicking it back, loser Dylan worked out its internal volume to fourteen decimal places before bursting into tears and wetting himself.
The specky four-eyed egghead is looking forward to October when he will begin a tragically lonely three years at Oxford University studying pure mathematics.
“We get one of these children every so often, and it’s very, very awkward,” said Professor Tom Giles, head of Maths at St. Anne’s College. “One minute you’re talking to them about Zermelo Fraenkel axioms and trans-finite arithmetic, the next thing you’re taking them to the toilet because they’re unable to wipe their anus properly.”
Little Dylan is not the first infant prodigy to come from the Plywood household. At seven, his brother Crispin gained a double first in pure maths at Cambridge before covering himself with razor cuts and setting fire to six churches in an arson spree.
By the time he was four, John Stuart Mill had read the Dialogues of Plato in the original Greek. At the age of two Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart could play as many instruments as Roy Castle. But this kind of genius is very rare.
Find out if your child is a genuine genius with our very own test, set by tabloid psychologist Dr. Raj Persilautomatic. Answer the following 5 questions, a, b or c and tot up your scores for an assessment of your child’s geniusness.
1. How many pairs of thick glasses does your child wear?
2. You give your 3 year-old child a violin. What does he do?
3. If someone said ‘bum’ to your four year old child, what would his reaction be? Would he
4. What does your child prefer to wear?
5. You take your child for a day at the zoo. What does he talk about on the way home?
Oh, dear. Your child is a dolt. But don’t despair, Albert Einstein failed all his exams at school and he ended up inventing the atom bomb and banging Marilyn Monroe. There is still hope.
No need to worry, your child appears to be of average intelligence, a good basis for future progress. Alan Titchmarsh was of average intelligence as a child and grew up to be a mediocre TV presenter of average intelligence.
Congratulations, you have spawned a genius. The world is your child’s oyster. Until, that is, he’s sectioned under the mental health act at the age of twelve and placed in a secure unit for long term psychiatric evaluation.