Sucking Hell!

November 9, 2008     Article

Sucking Hell!

When the UK gets sucked inside out by the CERN black hole, it will be a very different place to the one we know today.

CERN disaster UK image

HOLE LOT OF TROUBLE: The nightmare that awaits the UK.

The streets will be strewn with carpets and furniture as houses suddenly find their rooms on the outside. Hungry zoo animals will roam our towns when their cages turn back to front. Meanwhile our supermarket aisles will be a mess, as rice pudding, beans and noodle doodles get sucked out of their tins and splashed all over the floor by the awesome cosmic power of the black hole and splashed all over the floor.

And people will fare no better. Men, women and children will be horrified to find their internal organs sucked onto the outside of their bodies, whilst their skin and faces are trapped helplessly on the inside.

It’s a terrifying prospect for all of us, but it’s even worse for the stars. With their glamorous lifestyles, matinee idol looks and multi-million pound endorsement deals, they have so much more to lose than the average man in the street. 

How will they cope when they suddenly find themselves sucked inside out? We asked a selection of A-listers what they plan to do when the black hole strikes.

How the stars will cope in Black Hole Britain

Kerry Katona

180_kerry_katona“I’m dreading the Large Hadron Collider experiment spiralling out of control,” the former Atomic Kitten mime-artist confessed to us last night. “I’m sure Iceland wouldn’t want me advertising their sausages with all my intestines on show! I’m already working on a new, no-holds-barred fly-on-the-wall documentary series called Kerry and Mark – Inside Out, all about me and my husband Mark going bankrupt with our organs situated on the outside of our bodies. It should be on MTV in the autumn.”

Rowan Williams

180_rowan_williamsArchbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams thinks that being turned inside out will raise some interesting theological questions about the nature of being and his relationship with God. “The Lord is within all of us, so being turned inside out will in a sense bring His spirit out into the world to live amongst us,” he said. “And in addition, we will, perhaps for the first time be able to truly see inside ourselves, which as a Christian, is very important, because only from looking for God within ourselves, can we really know His love. Of course, being inside out will mean that everything is reversed which will have enormous consequences. Shit will come out of our mouths and we will talk through our arses so, for me, it will be business as usual.”

Noel Edmonds

180_noel_edmonds“The earth and everything on it turning inside out is a particularly horrifying prospect for me,” said tidy bearded Swapshop star Noel Edmonds. “It means that the boxes on my show Deal or No Deal will have the amounts of money displayed on the outside, so all the scum contestants will win the jackpot prize of £250,000. Also, when the banker rings, I won’t be able to hear the phone because my ears will be on the inside of my head.” And things look equally bleak for Edmonds’s most famous havoc-causing pink and yellow creation. A TV insider told us: “If Mr Blobby was turned inside out he would cease to be funny as people would see that inside he was just an out of work actor trying to make ends meet.”

Bill Oddie

180_bill_oddieThe world turning inside out is going to make life extra tough for curmudgeonly TV twitcher Bill Oddie. The scowling SpringWatch presenter told us: “I’m not going to be able to watch birds anymore, because when the black hole turns my birdwatching hide inside out, I’ll be visible to them and they’ll fly off. Also, with my internal organs on show, I’m likely to be mistaken for roadkill and attacked by carrion crows.”

Fern Britton

180_fern_brittonA black hole turning the world about face would spell disaster for daytime TV host and Ryvita ad queen Fern Britton. An ITV insider confessed: “Fern is very worried about the Large Hadron Collider. Being sucked inside out by a black hole would mean that her gastric band, the strap around the outside of her stomach which led to her new slim look, would be on the inside. Here it would have no effect and Fern would quickly find herself ballooning back to her old weight.”

Phil Oakey

180_phil_oakeyHuman League frontman Phil Oakey admitted that he was worried by the prospect of a black hole armageddon. “Me and the group being turned inside out is going to be very confusing for our fans. When the girls are on stage, no-one will know which is the dark-haired one and which is the blonde, since their trade mark barnets will be on the inside. It’ll even be confusing for me, and I was married to one of them! I think it was the dark-haired one.” And Phil voiced concern that this confusion could have an impact on the success of their latest album Golden Hour of the Future. “I don’t think it’s too much of an exaggeration to say that the effects of a black hole could cut sales of the new album in half,” he told us. “We could be looking at single figures.”

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